Around You
by allthespencers
Summary: The heart wants what it wants. But what happens when you can't have it, and you can't walk away?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is the first story I'm posting online. It's not much right now but I've got some good ideas for it. I would love you hear what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. Please don't sue me.**

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><p>For so much of my life, I've been led to believe this insane idea that once you meet the one person that you're supposed to be with you will just know. One day you'll just walk into a coffee shop and make eye contact with someone and you'll be smashed in the chest with this unintelligible force, throwing off your defenses and pushing you toward them. That's not exactly what happens. Not in cases that aren't written specifically for the big screen.<p>

It starts with the looks; small and generally unnoticeable. Then the coy smiles and quick glances, far from discreet but uncontrollable. Then the way your heart stops when you see them giving you those coy smiles. You dread the way your body betrays all your mind's desperate pleas to keep calm when they are near, but not really. That's the part you unconsciously crave, that rush, that thrill. You're driven by this incessant need to be near to them, and you normally highly value your personal space. At some point you realize that you should probably be more comfortable with them than anyone, but it's the exact opposite. This tension exists, either in your head or palpably between the two of you. It's hard to tell anymore. Your rationale starts to slip and the logical person you used to be starts to deteriorate. Everything becomes a whirlwind of maybes and what ifs and you become a slave to your emotions.

This version of yourself that you never knew existed pops out of nowhere and you can't embrace it, but the more you try to fight it, it consumes you. But that's only an extra part of the draw to this illness. For once you're not in control and you don't want it back, not quite yet. You want to ride this wave because you just _know_ it's right. This was meant to be. And for a while it is, until the human condition creeps in and fucks everything up.

Or maybe that's just me.

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><p>"You know, I've always wanted to be an artist. Live in Paris, spend all my time writing and drinking coffee."<p>

"Okay Hemmingway," I chided, shoving her a little with my shoulder. She laughed in that short and joyous way she does when she felt unencumbered.

"Don't make fun of me! You never know what I could accomplish in the next ten years. I could blow this town and start eating baguettes and wearing a beret." Quinn turned towards me on the bench we were sharing and look at me more fully.

"That would probably work out a lot better if you looked good in hats." She shoved my arm and got off the bench, walking towards the railing by the water. I tried to hide my smirk at her retreating form. The light of the setting sun bounced off of her blond mane, making her almost glow, which was more than appropriate for her boisterousness today. Quinn rested her head on her crossed arms against the rail and looked towards the Brooklyn Bridge. Since she called me that morning she had been bouncing around, speaking in excited snippets and grinning like there was no tomorrow.

Sighing, I dragged myself off of the bench to place myself alongside her again, rather than shout a conversation from ten feet away from one another. That might actually delight her today though. "So what brings on this sudden career – or lack thereof – focus?"

"I don't know I've just been thinking about the future lately," there was this pregnant pause in which she got this small smile. "David is coming to dinner with me tonight, to meet my parents while they are in town."

I forced a smile the best that I could and silently hoped that she was too caught up in her own excitement to notice that anything might be off. David worked with me in one of my first productions. We all went out for drinks one night after a show and Quinn joined me. I just wanted her to meet the cast and vice versa, but Quinn and David really hit it off, exchanged numbers, started "talking" and now they've been dating for nearly a year.

"That's awesome!" If I could have poured an ounce of sincerity into my voice, I would have, I swear. "So this is getting to be pretty serious, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess it is!" That girl beamed like I had never seen her beam before. How cold is the Hudson in May? Could I just topple over and play it off as an accident? I really don't want to partake in this conversation. Damn. "I mean you know how I am with getting too serious too fast. I was trying to play this one cool but the other night he asked to meet my parents. How amazing is that? Maybe this is actually going to go somewhere. It's weird isn't it? Considering we met through you, do you guys still talk often?"

"No."

"I thought the two of you were best friends?"

"We got along alright. We ran in a lot of the same circles, disliked a lot of the same people. He does other things with his time now. I'm sure he'd rather be around you than me." Quinn shot me as sideways glance and shook her head, still smiling like she didn't know how to cut it out.

"I know he's busy most of the time, but have you even tried to talk to him?"

"There's no reason to."

"Did something happen between you two?" The look she bore into me now was frightening, like she was trying to say "if you lie, I'll know." My eyes went wide and I stared back at her incredulously.

"No nothing happened between us! That's disgusting." She spun around so her back was leaning against the rail and she kept gaze with mine, suspicion pouring out of her.

"It would make sense if it did. And I wouldn't be mad at you since I'm assuming it would have been before I ever met him. But you get all uptight when I talk about him. You give these short answers and fake smiles and I just want to know if you two had a thing and maybe you still have some feelings for him." Damn this woman for her ability to see right through me but not really. I stared at my knuckles as they began to turn white gripping the rail. How can I possibly explain away how much I detest her relationship? Should I just tell her? Would she understand that the fact that every time his name falls from her lips, she tells me about a wonderful date, or she just talks about how much she loves him, she might as well just punch me in the gut? It would take a hell of a lot less time and I would feel about the same in the end. Could she possibly understand that my disgust for that man has nothing at all to do with the man in question?

I feel a light pressure on my shoulder and I whip my head to the side. There's worry in her eyes now, which makes everything so much worse. I get lost in my ruminating and she's just there compounding and making things up in her mind that probably result in things so much worse than the truth. My eyes feel heavy, there's a slight sting lingering in them. I know that no tears have fallen yet but they're on the brink, waiting until I crumble. Slowly, I step out of her reach and look away from her, knowing that if I look into those caring eyes again I'm going to lose this battle that I fight with myself every day. I desperately want to say something but the tightness in my jaw prevents it. Instead I turn and walk away.

"Rach!" I hear her shout after me.

For now it's better if she just believes this lie, that I'm struggling to see her happy with someone that I secretly yearn for. The truth would just tear us apart, I'm sure of it, and that's something I just can't take. So I'm just going to continue to try and hold myself together around her. I say for her sake, for the sake of our friendship, but really for my own.


	2. Chapter 2

Have you ever rushed away from someone, just waiting for them to run after you, catch your arm, spin you around and when your eyes connect there will be this explosive catharsis and you will both just know and there will be music and your lips will connect so softly or in a crash of emotion and you'll finally feel grounded and real again?

I obviously watch too many movies. Though I admit I would not be upset by the drama of such an event.  
>That's never going to happen in reality. In reality you don't actually storm off, that requires a certain amount of adrenaline that your body simply cannot maintain. That shot of anxiety and your weak response in fleeing only carries you so far, maybe down the block, maybe around a corner and then you're done for. Your body starts to shut down, you feel like you've just run a marathon and want to collapse right in the street but you can't breathe, suffocated by everyone around you. Your eyes burn from unshed tears, there's a constriction in your chest causing you to take slow deep breaths to remain calm. Somehow your legs manage to carry you home and as soon as the door clicks shut, you're done for.<p>

I collapsed back against the door, slamming my eyes shut to concentrate on anything but this inexplicable pain but that just gave way to the flood I managed to hold back. Sinking down to the floor I try to drain myself of any feeling at all. That would hurt less. I would greatly prefer that. Worst yet, I don't really have any actual reason to be crying. Thinking about it, I cannot explain why tears stream down my face as often as they did, that woman just had this effect on me. It was like whenever she was in arms length she would just reach out and mercilessly grip something inside me and I had no choice but to take it. Sometimes I wonder if that's what I really live for.

I can't remember how long I sat there. The tears didn't last as long as I thought they would, they have long since dried on my face making me feel weak and tired. Eventually I realized that I could not spend the entire night huddled up in the foyer of my apartment. Somehow I managed to pull myself up and carry myself to the couch, laying myself down and pulling a blanket over me. Why did I keep doing this to myself? Why can't I just grow up and tell her how I feel about her? I roll over and grip a pillow for dear life. That would just be far too easy.

If only I could sleep. Whenever I open my eyes and the sun from a new morning is bursting though my window I feel like everything bad from the day before has been washed away and I can start new. But no, not tonight, because I know that I'm going to lay here and replay me walking away from her over and over in my mind.

Reaching for my phone, I type out a quick text and send it out to my savior. This has sadly become far too great of a habit, my tearing my heart out and needing someone to listen to me and shove it back in. I really need to repay him in a grand way someday. He's never turned me down when I need him and there are few things I am as grateful for as that.

After about thirty minutes of me staring at my ceiling I hear my front door open and his heavy footsteps on the hard wood. A large brown bag full of, undoubtedly, Chinese take-out is placed on the coffee table before me and my legs are lifted so he can sit on the couch where they were before draping them over his lap.

"So what happened this time my little Jewish mama?" Noah has changed so much since high school but also not at all. Thankfully, he's stopped trying to be the resident badass and is much more open about his concern for the well being of those he cares about. He ditched the Mohawk and keeps his head shaven making him look much more grown up and mature than he ever had.

"Quinn thinks I slept with her boyfriend before," I look in his general direction but not directly at him, I focus on the hand he's laid across leg.

"Didn't you correct her?" he raises his eyebrow at me and leans forward to get some food out.

"I…I couldn't. She wanted to know why I don't seem to like them together, what bothers me so much about that relationship. What was I supposed to fucking say? 'Actually I hate anyone you have, do, or will date because I love you and want to be with you,'? That would have ended pretty well."

"Well what _did_ you do?"

"I walked away"

"I'm sure that was much better. Why can't you just talk to her?"

"There's nothing to talk to her about. Nothing I have to say is valid in the way of friendship." The truth was I physically cannot talk to her. Not about anything involving the two of us, especially not about how I feel about her. I get all clammy and freeze up and anything I actually say comes out as a jumbled mess compared to what I actually _wanted_ to say.

I remember once when we had a movie night at my place and she was concerned she was drinking too much to make it home and without even thinking I just blurted out, "That's alright sweetheart I'd love to have you in my bed." My heart may have literally stopped as soon as that made it all the way out of my mouth. She just laughed it off, me obviously joking but my ability to flirt and play with her like everyone else was dampened significantly by my burning attraction for her. As if by me saying such things, she would just know. I'm such a damn mess.

Noah looked at me and handed me a container of fried rice. "I just hate seeing you like this. I know she's your best friend but you need to find a way to be around her without hating yourself or her."

"I don't know if that is ever going to happen" I joked.

He laughed a little as well, "I guess you're lucky I like take-out then." I smiled at him and he squeezed my knee gently. Yeah, I owed him big time.

It was around two in the morning when there was a knock at my door. Noah and I looked at one another questioningly. Without even asking Noah got up and went to the door. He came back a moment later and retrieved his coat from the back of the armchair. "Good luck. And remember she does love you, don't be afraid of her." Walking around the back of the couch he kissed the top of my head and went back to the door. Sitting up I pushed my face into my hands. Why did I have to deal with this now? Couldn't we just go a few days not speaking and then pretend nothing happened? Isn't that was normal people do?

There was a soft exchange in the foyer, followed by the click of her heels treading lightly as she made her way towards me in the living room. "Hi" she spoke out softly, unsure. I still my head in my hands and forced myself to look at her finally. She was standing behind the armchair, gripping the back lightly. Her eyes were downcast but I could tell they were red-rimmed, she had been crying, I had upset her and that just made me feel worse. "What are you doing here Q?" I wasn't harsh, oh how I wish I could be. How I wish I could just tear this girl down with my words and pretend I didn't care about her nearly as much as I did. I never could be though, I was always just, defeated.

"I couldn't sleep. I was going to come see you tomorrow morning but I couldn't. What…what the hell happened earlier?" That worried look her had before I took off a few hours ago still lingered in her eyes, just now amplified by about ten times.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just taken off like that. I just didn't know what to say."

"If my relationship with him makes you uncomfortable tell me and I'll break up with him" Is this really happening? Why is she saying this? "I don't want anything to come between our friendship, especially not your feeling for him." Oh son of a bitch.

I start piling all of what's left on the table of the take-out together and gather it in my arms, heading for the kitchen. "I don't have feelings for him," I breeze out quickly as I walk past her.

"Then what the fuck is going on with you?" she strains out. She's obviously frustrated and confused and doesn't know what else to do. I drop what's in my arms onto the counter and swipe the empty containers into the sink. "Just forget about it, Quinn." My hands grip the counter needing something to balance me. Shit, if I don't get her out of here soon the water works are going to start again.

Her heels click towards me and she's in the doorway eyeing me. I can just feel her eyes on me. "What's going on with you that you can't tell me about?" Damnit, just the hurt in her voice makes me feel like I kicked a puppy.

"It's just something I need to deal with on my own." She's walking towards me and I just keep my eyes trained on the counter, until her hand reaches over and grabs both of mine and forces my body to face her.

"I wish you knew that you could tell me anything." She's probably searching for my eyes but she won't catch them. They're trained on our joined hands, her thumbs rubbing my knuckles lightly. It's obvious she doesn't know what she doesn't to me or this sort of contact wouldn't be as common. She wouldn't want to hurt me more than my unrequited love already does by teasing but it's the only thing that really brings me comfort.

"Not this. Just…please don't push this anymore." And she won't. Because I asked and because she's not that wonderful about talking though things anyway, not very serious things. It will take a near breaking point before a real discussion takes place and sometimes I hate that and sometimes that's just fine. Right now I'm fine with that because I know after tonight this will be forgotten and we will be okay again without having to have it out completely.

Her arms snake around my back and she pulls my body against hers. Gripping her shoulders with everything I have I pull her against me as well and bury my face in her neck. God, this woman is so intoxicating. Lips graze near my right eye and she places a gentle kiss on my head. My face buries into her hair to escape. This woman is trying to destroy me.

I can't lose this with her. I can't lose the intimacy I have at the prospect of a little bit more. I can learn to live with what few bones she throws me. As long as I can feel her like this – our bodies smashed together, holding on like we don't know when we'll see each other again – I might just be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it's been so long since an update. Life got in the way and I lost track of time. Please read and review :)**

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><p>I wish I had more control over the things I do. That's not to say that I'm "out of control" I just wish I could learn to say no to people. And by people I mean Quinn. And by no I mean doing or saying anything beyond just nodding if she asked me to do something. If I could just do that, then maybe I could keep myself put together instead of falling victim to these random fits.<p>

But I just can't deny her anything. Not when she looks at me with those big innocent hazel eyes so full of hope. So of course when she asked me to come with her to dinner with David and her parents I agreed, like a moron. I wish I could say this is unusual but it has become so common, I would be surprised if she started really taking my emotions into account. Even though she had this revelation a week ago about how I was "in love" with David, or at the very least had some issue that he seemed to trigger, she was more concerned about herself and nerves over this upcoming dinner. Sometimes I wonder if she just thinks I'm a much stronger person than I actually am or just doesn't even realize. It must be the latter. She would never do anything maliciously. The point is, when she calls me and asks me to chaperone this, I'm sitting in my living room in a new dress and hair and make-up that too long for this occasion, waiting for them to pick me up. David is driving me to the restaurant and she offered to swing by so I don't need to bother with paying for a cab. Wish I would have said no to that too.

I'm just trying to keep myself from entering this with an already sour attitude but that's sort of inevitable at this point. I'm just thinking about the conversations that are to be had tonight, all the warm smiles and jokes between Quinn's family and that asshole. Fuck, fuck, fuck. There's a soft knock at the door and groan inwardly.

When I open the door and Quinn is standing there in this beautiful green cocktail dress, I wish I could keep myself from looking her up and down. God, she's gorgeous. Her thighs are peaking out from the bottom hem and it hugs her in just the right places and for once she opted out of a sweater showing off her shoulders. And her eyes, damn, just the way her eyes glow accompanied by that dress and framed by her flowing blond locks. I really need to keep myself together right now.

She's biting her lip a little and sort of shifting her weight, "hi."

"Hi. Quinn you look amazing." I get out at best I can without being odd. She knows how beautiful I think she is but I feel far too revealing when I say things like that out loud. Like she'll know.

"Thanks," she blushes and pulls at the hem of her dress. She's so damn adorable. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah!" I grab my purse and head out the door. We walk in silence down the hall and when we're in the elevator she finally blurts out, "I'm really nervous."

"Why?"

She takes this deep breath and seems deep in thought for a moment. "When we had dinner last time, when you and I were fighting it went horribly, I was so distracted." I wish I could read her at moment like this. She's not looking at me, just staring straight ahead thinking.

"Quinn…" I grab her wrist and tug a little so she'll look at me. She's so vacant right now, it's so bizarre. Things don't usually affect her so much. Or when they do I am not completely aware of how they do. She doesn't talk about when she's feeling lost or melancholy or worried much. Not to me anyway.

"That's why I asked you to come. I need someone to be there to catch me if this goes to hell. I need you there so I'm not thinking about you the whole time." Damnit. Damn her and these words she says. I can never detach myself from her the way I should when she does this to me. She smiles a little at me and I let go of her wrist as the door to the elevator opens.

Fuck.

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><p>By the time we're half way through the meal, Russell and David are having an in depth discussion of the upcoming football season and I'm considering the easiest way to sneak out of here. I wonder if there are windows in the bathroom that would be easy to shimmy out of, this dress be damned. Judy is eyeing me suspiciously and pokes my leg under the table so no one will notices. I whip my head around to look at her next to me and she looks at my plate to direct my attention. I've been playing with my potatoes like a 5-year-old and they're in an elaborate design on my plate. I put my fork down and blush profusely.<p>

"You okay?" she speaks softly to me so no one else at the table jumps in on us. Not that that is even remotely possible. Russell and David are so engrossed in their conversation, with Quinn supervising, I could have literally stood up and left and they probably wouldn't have noticed.

"Yeah. Sorry. Just fidgety."

"You've been quiet all night. That's not like you."

"This isn't really about me tonight."

"Oh please, we're just having a friendly dinner. Not everything is about that boy." I look across the table at Quinn smiling and laughing leaning into David. He's absolutely attractive, with his wide grin, perfectly tended to brunette hair and tailored suit. He almost reminds me of Jesse St. James. Only more of an ass.

"Right."

"Don't let some boy become the two of you. Quinn told me about what happened last week."

"And yet here I sit." She squeezes my shoulder a little and I look back at her and she is giving me this concerned and supportive gaze. It must be a Fabray thing.

"No matter what happens with that boy, it doesn't change how much she loves you." Oh how wise but how wrong Judy Fabray is. At least she's a bit less clueless than Quinn. "She was a mess at dinner that night. She just sat there staring at her food and wouldn't talk to anyone."

"Excuse me." I push out my chair and beeline for the restroom. As soon as I get the door shut I lock it and lean my weight against it. I don't need to hear how much she cares about me. Hell, I would rather someone just say, 'you know Quinn doesn't care what you do, why are you here?' so I could just go home. But nope, can't do that, because Quinn has to have her hand in everything and keep an eye on me while simultaneously presenting her boyfriend like he's some fucking trophy that her parents should praise her for.

It's my fault though. If I wasn't on these extreme highs and lows constantly she wouldn't need to babysit me. Let's be honest, that's all this is really, her keeping an eye on me so she knows I'm not angry with her.

I'm splashing water on my face to calm myself down. I can do this. Come on Rachel, you have performed for thousands of people, perform for these 4 for another fifteen minutes. Someone knocks on the door and I wonder how long I've been in here ruminating. I whip the door open and of course Quinn is standing there.

"You disappeared."

"Sorry, it's all yours." I brush past her, heading for the table.

"Are you okay?" she calls after me before I'm too far away. I stop and turn to face her. She just stares at me emotionlessly. I'm not starting a fight. Not now. But I'm so tired of putting all of my energy into her. I don't reply. I go back to the table and sit and make it though dessert like the perfect guest.

As we are all leaving, Russell suggests we all go back to their hotel for some drinks at the fabulous bar on the roof. David immediately agrees for both he and Quinn apparently. I decline, making up a lame excuse about an early meeting. Honestly, I'm moments away from running down the street to get out of this and crawling into bed.

"Oh, well lets at least give you a lift home," Quinn offers.

"No it's out of your way, I don't mind taking a cab."

"What are you talking about? It's not even that far."

"I can take care of myself, Quinn. It was nice seeing you Mr. and Mrs. Fabray. Bye David." They all say goodbye to me, except for Quinn. She's staring at me the same way she did outside the restroom. I turn on my heel and hail a cab. Once I slip in I smile and wave as we drive past them on the street and as soon as I'm out of their line of sight I slump down. God, give me strength to say no to Quinn Fabray and stop doing this to myself.

Who am I kidding? I'd be at this every week if she asked.


	4. Chapter 4

3 weeks. 21 days. 504 hours.

I don't care enough for math to crunch numbers beyond that. I haven't seen Quinn in weeks. Haven't spoken to her either. It hasn't been entirely intentional. My latest production is going to premiere soon and rehearsals have been atrocious. I barely have time to eat let alone catch up with Quinn. If I'm being honest with myself, it hasn't been all that terrible. I love my cast and crew and even though the director is trying like hell to be the death of me they have kept a smile plastered on my face. For right now, that limited interaction is enough for me, working borderline obsessively keeps me more level-headed than it probably should. With less time to let my mind wander, I feel so much more like myself.

I'm out to dinner with some of my fellow cast members when I get a text from Quinn: **Are we still on for tomorrow night? **Tomorrow night? I open my calendar and see this Friday marked with the opening of _Once Was Love_, the newest project a director friend of mine is working on. Quinn and I were supposed to go together. Okay, no big deal I just forgot. I send her an affirmative text try to reenter the conversation taking place at the table.

"Welcome back Rach." Michael's wide bright smile is grinning at me, he and I went through NYADA together and the rare occasion we are in the same production it is a special treat.

"Shut up Michael, if anyone is guilty of disengaging, it's you thanks to that silly girlfriend of yours." He laughed and slung his arm around my shoulder.

"So I'm a little pussy whipped. Since when is that a bad thing? I certainly do not hate it." At least he's got a legitimate reason to be so. I laugh along with him for a bit and he's focused back on me. "When am I going to meet _your_ significant other? Hmm?"

"What are you talking about? I told you I'm not involved with anyone on several occasions now," I reply trying to disengage myself from him.

"Right, I don't believe you for a second. If you didn't your eyes wouldn't light up when you get text messages light like a minute ago."

"Oh right, you're delusional."

"Oh am I? So all the times I've seen you pick up your phone and your shoulders tense and you get a little smile playing on your lips, I've just been imagining it?"

I don't do that. "Do I?" I didn't mean to say it out loud but let's all be honest with each I pretty much only do things I don't mean to.

"So who are they?"

"No one."

"Come on Rach, level with me a little bit."

"They're…it's just a pipe dream. Don't wish, don't start right? I was never good at that mantra."

"For this long though? It's been years." I stare across the diner. Has it? Have I had this infatuation with her since even before we reconnected in person? After graduation we kept in contact. Text messages every once in a while, email, small things. Then when she graduated from Yale she moved to New York and we started having lunch once in a while, spending time together on the weekends, spending random weeknights together. I can easily trace where my heart went astray with her being physically affectionate and open around me, our late night talks about our dreams over wine. But was that really what did it? Or did I always feel these things for her? Maybe when we became better friends before she moved to the city? Or…high school? Was it high school? There was no way, she hated me and I cared about her but just because I admired her, I didn't want to see her life fall apart like it always seemed it was about to. Right?

"Shit." I groaned and leaned my head in my hands.

"What just happened? I'm scared." Michael joked and rubbed my back.

"Have you ever just realized something about yourself that you don't ever need to know and just makes everything infinitely more complicated? And you have to reevaluate a whole period of your life?" I look up at him and he's staring back at me with the most quizzical look.

"I have no idea what you're talking about" he laughed and I lean into him.

"Nevermind. Just lady problems." He holds me tight against him and rubs up and down my arm.

"You are a very complicated little lady Rachel Berry."

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><p>Five dresses. I'm going to an off-broadway play with my best friend, why the hell have I tried on five dresses? I hear a knock on the door and go to answer it. Quinn isn't supposed to be here this early, shit. I whip the door open and I remember why I'm no neurotic about what I'm going to wear. Then I quickly remember I am never going to look like anything in comparison to this woman. She's got her hair up and a simple white dress on with black straps and accents. She smiles at me a little amused and raises her eyebrow. Damn that eyebrow.<p>

"I know I'm a bit early but I didn't mean to catch you at a bad time," she chuckles a little.

What? I look down at myself and realize I'm only in a bra and panties. Whoops.

"Sorry, I was just getting dressed. Come in." I step to the side and she makes her way into the kitchen and I see her grab a bottle of wine. I support this whole-heartedly.

"Don't worry about it, nothing I haven't seen before. Take your time. I'll pour you a glass?" I nod and go back to my room to finish getting ready.

When I come back out in my best little black dress she's glided her way into the living room playing with my stereo, Michael Bublé is playing softly. She catches me out of the corner of her eye and whips around.

"Hi!" she's grinning that grin that lights up a room, "you look beautiful!" I blush profusely and try to avoid looking at her as she grabs a full glass off the coffee table and hands it to me. I accept it and begin drinking it quickly. It doesn't last too long and I head into the kitchen to fill it up again and see she's already had a few glasses; the bottle is already over half gone. I peer back into the living room and watch her seated on the edge of the couch staring into her glass contemplatively. Anymore drinking tonight probably isn't the best idea so I set my glass down and go out to gather up Quinn.

"Ready to go?" she smiles up at me and nods.

We don't say much on the way. We are silent out of my building and in the cab. I never used to be so uncomfortable by the silences between us. It was always so comfortable to just be around her. We didn't need to be filling in the empty space with nonsense; we just needed to be in one another's presence. But now the foot between us in the back seat of the cab feels like miles. I know something must be going through her head but what? A quiet Quinn is a dangerous Quinn, always has been.

When we finally arrive and we're out on the street, I grab her wrist and make her look at me. "Is everything alright?" She's smiling at me again. I wish she could just use her words tonight. I am not good enough at this to decipher her many smiles. I'm searching her eyes and they're the same warm orbs I always fall into.

I feel her hand slip into mine. "You need to relax. Come on." She tugs me along to the theatre. That's not helping me Quinn!

The play was excellent. The parts I managed to pay attention to. Most of me was distracted by Quinn sitting next to me the whole time. The past three weeks I've been going so strong and focused on work, Quinn never really crossed my mind. The problem with sitting in a theatre where it felt like we were alone together and I had little to do but watch the actors, my mind decided to catch up on all the dwelling on this woman it missed out on.

What was that interaction earlier? I know I felt tension between us on the way here. Am I just making these things up in my head? She seems perfectly content as everything thing seems great as it has always been between us but she knows it's not, right? The last time I saw her she was watching me pour myself into a cab to get the hell away from her and we haven't spoken since. She's anything but dense. So why isn't she confronting me about anything? Does she still think I'm stuck on whatever I told her I need to work out? That must be it, she thinks I need space and she's giving it to me. Why can't I just go back to being normal with her? I'm the one tearing the huge void between us but it's the last thing I want.

When did the house lights come up? How long has Quinn been looking at me? "Earth to Rachel" she giggles and bumps my leg.

I laugh back weakly, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"Where were you?"

"Oh you know, lost up in my head somewhere as usual." She squeezes my knee gently and electricity shoots through me. She really needs to stop doing that. We get up and head out of the theatre. I head out towards the street to hail a cab but she links her arm in mine and pulls me with her.

"Where are we going?" I ask trying to keep up with her long strides.

"I want to walk with you" she replies simply. No argument manages to fall from my lips at as I enjoy her body pressed next to mine.

"I'm glad I got to see you tonight. Honestly, I was a bit afraid that you were going to cancel when I text you yesterday." She staring at her feet as she walks and it's so off putting to not see her with her head held high as normal.

"Why did you think I would cancel?" I feel more than see her shrug her response.

"We haven't spoken in awhile. I didn't think you'd want to see me." I pull her to a stop and neither of us can look at the other.

"I'm sorry," I say above a whisper.

"For what?"

"Being so distant lately. I…I don't mean to, really, I wish I knew what was wrong with me." She's looking at me now and I wish she wasn't. Those happy warm eyes are long gone, not even those distant blank eyes are there. No, her eyes are bursting with so much hurt I almost lose myself. I've never seen her like this before.

"I'm scared," she manages to get out. "I'm afraid of what is happening to us. I don't want to lose your friendship Rachel. I can't. After everything I've been through I feel like you're the one person I could always count on. Even before we were friends. You were always there when I needed you, whether I knew it or not."

Somewhere along the way of loving her I forgot how important it was to be her friend. My one solid reason for not revealing these stupid fucking feelings for her and I'm inadvertently burning that forest down. Great.

I pull her into me and wrap my arms around her. She returns the embrace and leans into me to let me support her as much as my small frame will allow. "You're not going to lose me. That could never happen, Quinn." I whisper in her ear. When I pull away a few tears are falling from her eyes, that I wipe away with my thumb. A sad smile makes its way to my lips and this time I'm the one to link my arm with hers and pull her down the street.

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><p><strong>AN: I know my updates aren't too lengthy and sorry about that but I have to write a chapter in one sitting or I lose where I was going with it and it's hard to write a really long update that way.**

**I hope you all still enjoy this story!**


	5. Chapter 5

"Where were you last night?"

My shoulders fall and I shrug off my jacket tossing it onto the couch next to me. "Out."

"Out?" comes booming from behind me. "And you didn't think it necessary to let me know?" A hand grabs my shoulder and spins me around. Angry eyes leer down at me. Crossing the room to create distance, I throw behind me, "You seem to often forget this but you do not own me" keeping my cool.

"What is this about then? Is this just a power play? Are you testing me?" Footsteps trail behind me closing that distance I just created, that I so desperately need.

I whip around, "Testing you? What could I possibly be testing? Your loyalty to me?" I shove them back. "How much you love me?" Another shove. "What do you think this is? This isn't a relationship. I don't love you, you're just a warm body." I push them one last time and they fall back onto the couch. "Don't act like you're not just using me too."

"Since when have you been so blasé?" A cocky smile taunts me. Tries to cut through me.

"Since I met you."

"Black out!" The director calls from the orchestra seats. "That was excellent you two. James take a fifteen, Rachel talk to me for a second." He's rushing up the steps to the stage and gently leads me off to the wings to talk more privately. "What the hell is going on with you Rachel?" His tired grey eyes bore into me with more annoyance than concern.

"Excuse me?" I shift uneasily under his critical gaze.

"You've been distracted for days but I figured you would get over it. We open in two days and you're not here."

"I'm sorry, really. Is there something particular I did? Did I miss a line?"

He sighs and steps away for a moment, taking a coffee out of the hand of a member of the stage crew who looks like she considers arguing for a moment before thinking better of it and storming off. Taking a long drink from the cup he eyes me. "You just don't feel it. You've got all the right lines, you know the blocking but I don't believe you." Placing the coffee off to the side he walks over to me again, not as close this time, more casually, like we're pals. I would much rather keep a further distance. Why isn't there anyone for him to steal another coffee from? "Haven't you ever been angry at someone for making you feel stupid and pathetic for loving them? Like you're a little puppy just nipping at their ankles waiting for them to notice you and pat you on the head. And whenever they do give you some attention you know it's just to appease you and it fucking rips you apart. That's what Joanna feels like with Alan. That's why in that scene with Frankie she just loses it and keeps hitting him and shoving him back, attacking him for how stupid she feels over Alan. Do you understand that?"

My eyes are plastered at the floor watching feet move back and forth. There's no way I can look at him, it's too easy for him to read my eyes when I'm like this. Yeah, I think I know how Joanna feels. "I'll get it right. I promise."

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><p>"So are you nervous? Excited? Nervous-excited?" Noah is beaming at me across the table. I laugh deeply and poke at my salad some more.<p>

"Um, nervous-excited I guess. No, just nervous." I laugh more to shake off some of my own anxiousness. "I…The director told me today I'm not believable enough. I can be. I know how to do it but I'm afraid of pouring too much of my own personal feelings into it."

"Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Look, you need to get stuff off your chest somehow. Why not in the comfort of a role as another person, in front of hundreds of people?"

"That sounds like a solid plan. Flawless Noah."

"Just throw your entire self into it. You used to be so good at that. Look, you're gonna be fantastic Jew-momma." I laughed loudly and some of the other patrons on the patio shoot me death glares. Puck just glares back at them playfully and grins at me again.

"I know this isn't my first opening show or anything, but it never gets easier."

"But you love it!"

"Yes I love it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel like my heart is going to explode its beating so quickly when the curtain rises."

"You better not have a heart attack on that stage; I just bought a new suit I'm going to go pick up after I walk you back to the theatre."

"Oh you're right, I wouldn't want to taint that fancy new suit with my death!" I joke along with him.

"More than that, you would not want Quinn to have to encounter such a distressing event while looking as stunning as she no doubt will." He crosses his arms over his chest smugly and I fall mute.

"What?"

"Oh you know she's gonna come, she would never miss one of your shows. I told her I needed a date so she would show up on my arm instead of that asshole David." Without a word I reach across the table and grab his hand squeezing it gently. "Don't worry about anything other than leaving it all on that stage and break a leg" He put his hand over mine and squeezed tightly.

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><p>There's a very particular ritual I have before a show. The morning of I run two miles and drink a protein shake as soon as I get home. After I shower and get dressed, I listen to Barbara for the rest of the afternoon. Not loudly, just have it on softly in the background so I can soak it in subconsciously like a baby in the womb. I refuse to interact with anyone via Facebook, Twitter, text, phone or in person either. I leave five hours before curtain so I have ample time to get to the theatre and get make up done and run through lines in my head a handful of times.<p>

It has never failed me and I stick strictly to this system. But of course something always has to interfere when you least want it to. I'm walking up to my building after my run and I see a blonde in a baggy sweatshirt sitting on the stoop. I know it's Quinn before my eyes can confirm it, because of course it is. She looks up and smiles at me as she hears my footsteps approaching.

"Quinn what are yo –"

"I know, I know, ritual and I don't mean to interrupt your superstitious routine, which is why I brought you this protein shake but I wanted to see you this morning." I take the offered drink skeptically and eye her questioningly. She isn't normally awake this early, let alone this cheerful. Why can't she stop smiling?

"Why'd you HAVE to see me this morning?"

"Well I know you wouldn't answer my call and I would rather tell you in person, and I know I wouldn't see you until tonight after the show and I couldn't wait that long."

"Quinn, wha –"

"David proposed!" And all at once she's thrusting her left hand at me and my eyes are blown wide and I think my heart stops for a moment. If I had been able to eat lately I probably would have thrown up right there in the street. I know I should be embracing her, congratulating her. But I can't. Physically, I can't. I can't seem to move at all. I'm just staring down at her hand, apparently for too long because her hand is receding slowly. Somehow I manage to look up into her eyes and I think she's speaking, trying to get something out of me, like a normal human response but that's not happening. Not today.

My body moves of its own accord around her and up the steps to my building. I stop to wait for the elevator and lean up against the wall. The protein shake is still gripped tightly in my hand and without knowledge of my own I see it smashed and dripping down the wall opposite me in an instant. Congratu-fucking-lations, Quinn.

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><p>The lights are burning into my skin as I walk in from just off stage. I cross the set and James' voice stops me.<p>

"Where were you last night?"

My shoulders tense and I tear off my jacket throwing it onto the couch next to me.

"Out," Drips from my mouth contemptuously.

"Out?" comes booming from behind me. "And you didn't think it necessary to let me know?" A hand grabs my shoulder and spins me around. Angry eyes leer down at me. All I can see is the ring on Quinn's finger. I push him back before crossing the room.

"You seem to often forget this, but you do not own me" I spit venomously.

"What is this about then? Is this just a power play? Are you testing me?" He's right behind me, I can feel his breathe on my neck.

I whip around glare dangerously at him, "Testing you? What could I possibly be testing? Your loyalty to me?" I imagine Quinn sitting in the audience like she does several times for each show. Sitting next to David, holding his hand. I shove James violently. "How much you love me?" The nights of Quinn cuddled up next to me on the couch watching movies on TV are over. She'll have to be home to him so he doesn't miss her. She can't be out too late with someone who isn't her _fiancé. _Another shove. Harder. He stumbles a little and falls to the couch before he's supposed to. "What do you think this is? This isn't a relationship. I don't love you, you're just a warm body. Don't act like you're not just using me too." I'm glaring down at him like I'm about to attack him just for existing, like the most hated person.

"Since when have you been so blasé?" He challenges me and strikes back, not teasingly.

"Since I met you." I spit back at him and the stage goes to black.

We rush off stage and he catches me in the wings. "What the hell was that Rach? Nice job, but warn me next time. I think I'm gonna be bruised."

I laugh and swat at him. "Sorry, tell your wife I didn't mean to, just got a little too into character." He chuckles and wraps his arm around my shoulders as we walk back to the changing rooms.

* * *

><p>"Hey superstar!" Noah has me thrown in the air and spins me around in his arms. He's holding me so tightly I'm afraid for a split second he's going to crush my ribs. When he finally puts me down, I nestle my head under his chin and hug him properly. His heartbeat is steady and strong and I will it to influence mine and let me be calm during a confrontation I'm terrified to have. "Where's your date?" I ask without lifting my head from his chest. "Did she not show up?"<p>

"No she did. Wasn't too talkative tonight, not sure what her deal was. She made up some lame ass excuse why she couldn't wait for you. Asked me to give you this though," he peels me off of him and hands me a single flower from his jacket pocket.

"I always thought you were supposed to give people like, bouquets of roses after something like this," he says scratching his head. "I don't know why she just gave you one, uhh…"

"Gardenia." I finish for him, twirling it in my fingers. Because Quinn Fabray is a complicated woman Noah. More so than anyone will ever in this world know. 

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><p><strong>AN: Another chapter down. I'm trying to get things moving a bit more, I want to keep things interesting. I hope everyone liked this chapter. Please review! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, I suck and long time since an update. I sort of lost inspiration and where I was going but I'm trying to get it going again. Not a super long chapter but needed to finally get something out there again. **

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><p>"You know what I've always really liked?"<p>

"What is that Noah?"

"When actors come out for curtain call. And they're all getting support from the audience and from one another."

"Oh Noah, I think you are becoming too much of a softy."

"Shut up!" Puck laughed and playfully punched Rachel's shoulder. "That's what I really miss about glee."

"Not the camaraderie? Or the formation of the most unlikely friendships?"

"What like you and Quinn?" I fell silent and kicked some dirt on the path. "Sorry."

"No, it's…yeah, that's what I meant. Why that though?"

"Well it's kind of dumb. But it's like you were saying but more than the camaraderie, or whatever. When we were all on stage after we performed…there was this energy, you know? And we were all connected in this way I can't describe. It felt like we really did something. We weren't just Lima Losers, together we were great, we could actually do something."

I grabbed his sleeve to get him to stop walking. "What's going on with you?"

"I love you. If it weren't for you, I never would have gotten here the first time, not of us would have – "

"Noah, stop"

"Let me finish. You were always bound to be a star Rachel. We all knew it, from the moment each of us met you. Because of that we got to see something bigger than Lima, bigger than what we thought we would be stuck with our entire lives."

"Noah…"

"I just…If it weren't for you I'd still be cleaning pools right now. _And_ I wouldn't be playing a gig this weekend!"

"What? That's fantastic! Ahhhh!" I couldn't help but jump up and hug him. "I want all of the details so I can make sure to arrange the understudy taking my place that night. I will not miss this!"

"Great! I'll text you all the stuff. And feel free to invite whoever. I'm kind of afraid of crickets you know?"

"Hey, no! You're gonna be fantastic!"

"I've gotta be at work soon but I'll see you later?"

"Yep, get out of here." He wrapped his arms around my small frame and swung me around. After putting me down he trotted down the trail. I always loved Central Park. It was the only place that had any way of reminding me of home. When I was a little girl, my Dads used to take me to the park every weekend. Daddy would push me on the swings while Dad sat in the grass and read. Every weekend, like clockwork. The city is so hectic and messy sometimes, I wish I could just go back to those days in the park. New York is where I have always belonged, I have always felt that but…there's something about the park that can bring me peace when nothing else can. That's the lone thing I can never seem to find anymore. It's been a few weeks now but I still can't walk past a flower shop without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Or a bridal shop, for that matter. The invitation came in the mail last week. The envelope is still sitting sealed on my counter. I'm sure it's lovely. Anything that Quinn touches typically is, she exudes it from her pores. Shit, I need to snap out of this.

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><p>The bar was packed, I wondered how all of these people knew about Noah's band. He never talked about this before, but it seemed there was a bit of a following. I kept myself posted at the bar waiting for the show to start, scanning the crowd. There was a group of women at a hightop all only about half-dressed and too much eye liner. Apparently Puckerman had groupies. Hmm.<p>

"Well if it isn't the hobbit. Didn't expect to see you here with us mere mortals." I whipped around to come face to face with the hot-headed Latina I hadn't seen in years.

"Santana!"

"Didn't think this was your sort of scene."

"I'm here to support Noah as I assume you are as well."

"Yep, he called me and even though I promised myself to leave high school behind me, I didn't want to miss this."

Santana was still the same, so ready to prove she didn't care about but to caring to be able to effectively put up a solid front.

"Where have you been? Why haven't I seen you around?"

"No offense, Berry, but I doubt we run in the same circles, Broadway star"

"Oh right, Santana."

"I was supposed to go see your new show but work keeps getting in the way."

"What have you been doing?"

"A few back up singing gigs here and there. Well that makes it sound more sporadic than it is. I'm hoping to finally get a break soon."

"I would say that I would put in a word for you but I wouldn't dare insult you in such a way." I joked.

"That's right you wouldn't" there was a grin threatening to break out on her face. There's an odd sense of calm that settles over me when I find myself with someone I knew in what can only be described now as a past life. It should be confusing and almost threatening when Santana links her arm in mine and drags me over to the stage but it's not. It feels like a sister or cousin I haven't seen in far too long has dropped in and we fall into step again. Sure, she knows me as I used to be, and that's unshakable in some ways and frustrating trying to grow out of the memories of who I was, yet, I don't need to try and be anyone around her. When Noah and his band come out on stage and Santana just starts dancing, stealing all eyes like she tends to do, I sort of revel in it. When Noah and I lock eyes and I see the fire and excitement in them to be on that stage I find it so strange how the three of us can be completely different and yet the same as we were all at once. It's beautiful. 

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><p>"I'll have to come see your show sometime Berry, I heard it was pretty good."<p>

"It was lovely." The most jarring voice makes behind us. As I turn I'm greeted with a long island thrust at me. "I took the liberty of buying you ladies some drinks."

"Well thanks Q, you should have."

Her eyes are nearly swimming. I hope she hasn't had that much to drink, she never could hold her liquor all that well.

"What were you hiding in the back against the wall?" Santana chided.

"Well I couldn't get up towards the front with you flailing around."

"Oh you bitch!" And then Santana playfully lifted Quinn, who was now squealing and giggling, into the air spinning her around. Those two have always needed each other, I hope they know that to some extent and stop avoiding the past and rekindle this friendship. Quinn hasn't had such a look of pure silliness, intoxicated or not, in a long time.

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><p>We had been waiting for Noah to take him out after he packed up but apparently one of those groupies had other plans. He kept shouting apologies as they stumbled out the door, the groupie shooting daggers at Santana the entire time. However, Noah be damned the party continued without him. The two members of the "Unholy Trinity" as they seemed to call it, threw stories back and forth while they tossed back more and more drinks. I will not lie, it was quite amusing as well as incriminating but as soon as they started comparing their encounters with the boys of McKinley, I decided to break it up for their own sanity. Santana got in a cab, shouting "I love you"s and "I will call you"s out the window. I tried to hail a cab to get Quinn home, who was far more gone than I had seen in quite some time, but as soon as my hand went up in the air she grabbed it.<p>

"I want to go on a walk in the park!" she shouted and pulled on my arm a little before taking off running in front of me. She always had to be so difficult at the worst times. Of course I took off after her, not wanting the next episode of Law and Order to be based on her brutal attack. By the time I caught up to her, now in the park, she had her shoes off and was twirling around in the grass. "Isn't it so lovely here at night when there's no one around?"

Bent over, trying to catch my breath I replied, "Yeah so lovely until you get murdered and no one can hear you scream." She stopped spinning and regarded me seriously.

"Oh don't be silly, someone would hear you, they just probably wouldn't help."

"That's much more comforting." I recovered and closed the distance between us so I could easily tackle her if she tried to take off again.

"You are too tense, you need to relax" she drew out and grabbed me quickly twirling me around her now. Her hands dug into my ribs and I had to grip her shoulders in fear of falling and getting all scuffed up. She was giggling again and I couldn't help but laugh with her at this point. When she finally let me down she still had her arms wrapped around my middle, her head on my shoulder.

"I miss you."

"I'm right here." I push her away a little bit so I can look her in the eye.

She's pushing some hair out of my eyes as she speaks and I get a little bit distracted. Her eyes are sparkling like I've never seen before and a small smile is playing on her lip. Her hand has stopped on my shoulder, her thumb running back and forth on my neck, the other hand periodically squeezing at my side. I don't even have the proper time to prepare myself and have a mini panic attack before her lips are on mine. It's not a drunken "you're my best friend" kiss. That still would have thrown me but I would have rather it had just been a peck. No, her lips are fully on mine, the hand on my neck had drifted up into my hair, the hand on my side pulling me into her and all I can do is try to keep my head from exploding. Then suddenly it's over and she's grinning at me. Fingers link with mine as she leads me out of the park - that I will now have to add to the list of things that make my stomach flip over.

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><p><strong>Thoughts? Too soon? Not enough? Make sense at all? Leave me some reviews and let me know!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Another bit of a wait for this update. I do apologize. Hope you all enjoy! **

**Sorry! I had to repost because I was in such a rush I forgot to put a line break between scenes and that was gonna bother me :/**

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><p>It's been several weeks since the whole incident in the park. Neither Quinn nor I have mentioned it. The night it happened, I managed to get the silly girl home and she hung on me the entire way. Normally she isn't like that. Affectionate, yes - with her soft touches and searing grip - but not usually one for sharing kisses and refusing to give up contact. When I finally got myself home that night, I couldn't help but lie there and think how terrible it would be to see her again, how much it would tear me apart. Somehow that didn't end up the case for once. I saw her soon after and she was overflowing with apologies about how sloppy she was that night and how she didn't mean to put me into a situation where I needed to take care of her. It just got let go like it was nothing, because really it wasn't. It managed to make us closer somehow though. After I left her in her apartment that night, tucked in bed as best as she could be with one foot firmly planted on the floor, there was a bizarre and drastic shift in our dynamic.<p>

Gone were the days that would pass without knowing of her very existence. We would have some form of contact at least once a day but usually much more than that. All of the bridges I had taken so much care to burn down in the interest of my ever aching heart started to reshape as she threw off her own shackles thrust upon her due to my standoffish demeanor. So much had gone on with her since I basically ex-communicated. Her sister was pregnant, her job at the publisher was lining up for a hefty promotion, she bought a dog named Charlie, that I so yearned to meet.

Quinn became a more regular fixture in my own apartment, just like she used to be a long time ago. She would come over unannounced on nights she "just had a feeling" that sleep would elude her and she would colonize my living room shifting around on the couch watching TV until she eventually fell asleep with her head in my lap.

I thought it would pull at me more than it did wanting to talk about what happened in the park. There were a few times where it just popped into my head and I wished I could clear it up but that wasn't an option. I couldn't remember the last time Quinn and I were on such good terms and I knew a little bit better than to rock the boat already. Besides she probably wouldn't even remember it. Why should she? There's no way it consumed her, ripped her heart while simultaneously giving her the grandest rush of adrenaline and other feelings that would still make her stir when she was alone. It was just a drunken sign of comfort, affection. Nothing.

Things were going so well between us until I got a lovely reminder of her impending wedding. She hadn't mentioned it for awhile now. I knew in the back of my mind that she had to be planning it, going to tastings, looking at venues, but I was doing the best I could to push it to the back of my mind.

We were grabbing a quick lunch between my matinee and evening shows with pleasant small talk about the weather and news. Then out of nowhere Quinn just blurts out, "You're gonna be my maid of honor right?" A particularly sharp pain sliced through my stomach and I pushed my salad away.

"I'm your best friend, Quinn. I would be honored."

"But do you _want_ to?" Her eyes weren't meeting mine. She was pushing her own food around her plate.

"What do you mean? _Of course_."

"Rachel, you haven't made it much of a secret that you don't really support this." And just then I realized how unfair I was being. This was Quinn's time to be happy, to have someone to spend the rest of her life with and I couldn't get over myself enough to be her friend. I slid my hand across the table gripping hers to get her attention. She looked at our hands wrapped around one another.

"I'm sorry. I never meant for you to feel like I didn't care or wasn't happy for you. I absolutely want to be there to support you." A small smile formed on her lips and she finally looked at me.

"I've been looking at dresses and flowers and all these other little things and I just keep thinking, I wish Rachel was next to me helping make decisions for me." She laughed a little, her eyes falling again.

"Hey, I'm sorry I haven't been there. The show ends its run this week. After that I'm all yours, okay?" 

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><p>I've gotten accustomed to going to events alone or with co-stars. I don't see anything wrong with it, it's a lot more convenient actually, considering they know everyone there as well and mingling and networking goes so smoothly. I have taken Noah a few times to more formal events, just for the company and security. He was always a great sport, but he always is. When Quinn asked me if there would be a final cast party for the show she could go to with me, I was a bit surprised. As penance for her ditching out on opening night, she wanted to meet everyone before all was said and done.<p>

When I go to events by myself I never feel self-conscious or uncomfortable in any way, these people are my friends. But when I walk into the director's penthouse with Quinn at my side – with her golden hair and beautiful body – I just want to hide in a corner. I've come to terms with the fact that Quinn has an other-worldly beauty that I could never compare to and that's fine. Normally it's empowering to be seen with her. You kind of leech some of her confidence and in doing so her glow. But that night I just paled in comparison, feeling ill at ease. Since our falling out Quinn had been so distant from my life it was unnerving to bring her back in so closely. The two of us spending time together was one thing, but bringing her back into my work life was a whole different beast. She had met some of my fellow actors before, my friends, that's how she met David after all. Her own life has gotten much busier though and our lives more and more disconnected.

The beauty of Quinn Fabray though, she just seems to get on just fine in every environment. I think it's because people just seem to flock to her. That's just fine to me. I can slink away while someone's asking her what shampoo she uses.

After a few drinks I stopped feeling quite as tense and when Quinn sidled up to me again I didn't mind her chatter or when someone butt in to ask her if she was an actress. Whenever I could slip away though, I made a bee-line for the bar. My goal was not to get drunk, just to avoid small talk.

"So you finally bring them out of hiding." I whip around to see Michael staring down at me with a coy smile on his face.

"Bring who out of hiding?"

"Your mystery text buddy that keeps you grinning like a fool and distracted during rehearsals." He's nodding towards Quinn, across the room.

"Quinn's my best friend, that's all."

"Right. Sure. That's why she's been looking at you like she wants to devour you all night." I glance over at her and she smiles at me while Lauren is talking to her about something unimportant as she usually does.

"Oh shut up!" I shove him and he ruffles my hair. He always makes me feel like I'm five years old.

"She's lovely. Beautiful."

"I know."

"So why do you keep avoiding her?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well you're hovering around the bar every chance you get."

"Thirsty."

"Mmhmm. It says something that she keeps pulling back to you like you're a damn magnet."

"She's Jefferies' fiancée."

"David Douchebag?" I nod and kill my rum and coke. "How the hell did that happen?" He's looking over Quinn like someone inspects fruit at the supermarket. Good luck finding a flaw.

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"That's just crazy. She's not blind, deaf, and/or dumb?"

"Too nice maybe."

"Fatal flaw."

"Tell me about it."

"Christina incoming. See you later champ." He and his beer were gone only to be replaced by a wide-eyed brunette.

"Hey Rach, pretty nice party, huh?" Christina was a little younger than me. We went to NYADA for a brief overlapping time and she has always had a bit of a crush on me. She's quite attractive, a bit young and naïve still but she should hold onto that as long as she can.

"Yeah it is. It's been nice working on this project with you. What do you have going on now?"

"I've got a couple auditions coming up. Playing it by ear. What about you?"

"I'm not sure yet. Taking a break for a bit."

"Gosh that sounds so nice. I feel like I've been going nonstop since I moved to this city."

"Yeah it starts to wear you down. Don't you go have fun though?"

"Not too often. I try to stay focused on work."

"There's your problem, you gotta get your mind off work every once in a while."

"Well maybe we could go out some time? Get some drinks, you can show me some places that aren't too skeezy." Over her shoulder, I see Quinn heading over us, stern look firmly in place. Christina is staring at me so hopeful and nervous, I rush to get out my answer before Quinn reaches us and drags me away.

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><p><strong>Short chapter as always. I will try and update again soon, I actually have a plan for the next chapter for once. <strong>

**Please review! I love your feedback! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the long, long, long, delay. I'll try to update more frequently.**

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><p>The moonlight streamed in through the window, casting a shadow along the curve of her back. I couldn't help but reach out and trace her skin. It looked so glorious in the silver light, so soft, I just felt this need to caress it. A little moan escaped her lips as shifted, her hair falling into her face. Without thinking my hand moved up to place the hair back behind her ear, my hand lingering on her cheek. Her breaths came in strong heavy sighs, it was a nice change from the usual silence that suffocated my bedroom. I had meant to move onto the couch some time ago but found myself studying her face instead. The sun started to come up before I noticed that how much time had actually passed. I ran my thumb across her jaw once more before getting out of bed and going into the kitchen to make coffee for when she woke up.<p>

The sun rose through the buildings bathing my apartment in sunlight as I sat on my living room floor staring into my coffee mug. A shuffling noise started to come down the hallway, making me look up. "Morning," I laughed at the bed-headed brunette.

"Mmm" she grumbled making her way towards me and lying down on the couch I was leaning against.

"You sure look like hell." I chided, shifting to I could look at her.

"How much did you let me drink last night?"

"Let you?" I laughed. "Chris, I couldn't stop you if I tried."

"Oh right. How much did I have?"

"Well past your limit." I laughed again as she buried her head in her arms.

"I didn't do anything…I shoudn't have did I?"

To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure what she was referring to. My intent for the night had been solely to take her out as a friend. That's the way the night started too. After a few drinks the lines of that got a little…fuzzy. What began as light conversation, turned into light flirting which turned into heavy flirting. Light caresses on my arm turned into light touches on my lower back which turned into hands gripping my waist. When her lips hovered next to my ear begging me to take her home, I was in no position to deny her request. All of my original intents for the evening were thrown out the window when her hands were tracing up my thighs on the cab ride. God, I needed it. I needed an escape, something to free me from the shackles I had secured around myself, to save me from the despair and confusion I was drowning in. Those swimming pools of deep brown were my sabbatical last night.

When we stumbled into my apartment, all lips and arms and teeth, I was dead set on what I needed to do. Her hands were already ripping off my jacket and pushing up my shirt. Then when her back hit the bed and her hair fanned out around her and she looked up at me so hungrily, something pulled at my gut. Something other than arousal.

This girl had genuine affection for me and I was just using her for a warm body. It wasn't right. I couldn't be that person. I placed a last lingering kiss on her lips and lay down beside her. She looked at me concerned that something was wrong but I just smiled and wrapped my arm around her, urging her to sleep.

"Rach?" I must have been staring blankly at her.

"No, nothing happened."

"We didn't…?" she bit her lip afraid of the answer.

"No. We didn't."

"Thank God." She let out a sigh of relief.

"Ouch!"

"No, no, no!" she laughed out and gripped my shoulder. "I just don't think that would have been the ideal situation, with me being drunk out of my mind and all."

"We should both definitely be on our A game if that's to happen."

"Does that mean this isn't just a fluke?"

"Honestly, I'm not quite sure"

"Hmm, does that have anything to do with that Quinn girl from the party the other night?"

"I…"

"I thought so." She got herself up off the couch and made her way into the kitchen for her own coffee.

"What do you mean?" I shouted into the kitchen.

"Come on Rachel, I've never seen you look so uncomfortable in your life around someone. She was supposed to be one of your closest friends? You looked like you wanted to jump out a window for the better half of the night." She came back and sat next to me on the floor. "She's beautiful Rachel. There's no shame in being confused over your feelings."

"Can we just not talk about this."

"Fair enough. Okay," She jumped up and stretched, "Can you just buy me breakfast then? Cause I could use some eggs."

"Yeah I think I can do that. But _maybe _you should get dressed." She looked down at herself and giggled. All she had on was one of my old Glee shirts.

"I found it on a chair. I thought it would be better to have something on other than a bra and panties. And I thought it would be cute."

"It does look cute on you."

"Thanks! But I'll go put my clothes back on." I grabbed at her wrist as she turned to walk away.

"I just… even though there's this Quinn thing… It doesn't mean I don't like you." Without a word she leaned down and placed a light kiss on my lips.

"Wanted to see if you would flinch at me doing that now that we're not drunk. Don't overthink everything Rachel. Not everything needs to be so dramatic." The girl bounded down the hall, out of sight. "Let's go I'm starving!"

Maybe this girl could really be just what I need. 

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><p>There's an odd possession of the body when you become infatuated with someone. Even when it shouldn't mean anything, you get swept into this rip tide that pulls you further and further out to sea until you're sure to drown. You want someone so badly that the thought of them literally feels like someone has a cold grip on your heart, squeezing tighter and tighter until you can hardly breathe. It's almost like an illness. A disease of the heart.<p>

Why would anyone want that? Who would want to hopelessly devote themselves to someone just to get lose their whole sense of being.

Seeing Christina, casually, made me feel so much more evened out. Even more so than cutting Quinn out of my life, distracting myself with Christina actually kept my mind off of my emotional captor. Spending time with the brunette was so much easier than even the idea of Quinn. When I was alone I wasn't wondering where she was, what she was doing, who she was talking to, how she was feeling. When we were together I had a good time. Christina had grown up a lot since NYADA and wasn't the awkward desperately nervous girl I remember. She was confident and funny and bold and it kept me captivated during the time we spent together. But as soon as we parted ways any thought of her left my mind. It was an odd sensation to me but at the same time it would be infinitely easier going through life having loose connections like this. That's not what tortured artists find inspiring though so what would this world be if we all just had friends with benefits, or things of the sort.

Christina and I had been getting lunch regularly twice a week for a while so it didn't cross my mind to check my schedule when Quinn set a date for fittings for bridesmaids' dresses. When I called Chris to cancel, she insisted we still have lunch before the fitting. After lunch she insisted she walk me to the bridal shop. I didn't think much of it but it seemed to be a much better thought out plan in retrospect. Since we ran a little long at lunch, I was running late and everyone was waiting on me. Outside the shop, she kissed me goodbye before going on her own way. However, everyone saw this exchange through the window and were quick to chide. Especially Santana.

"Damn Berry, since when are you hooking up with all the hot chicks of Manhattan?"

"Thanks Santana."

"That's a compliment Berry, seriously. She was hot. I don't know how you landed her."

"We're old friends from school."

"Of which you're now hitting?"

"We're not…I really don't think this is an appropriate topic of conversation."

"Rachel is right. Can we just try the dresses on now that everyone is here?" Quinn stormed out of the room, hands on her hips. Santana and I looked at each other and she grinned wryly back at me.

"If I didn't know any better, I would say the head bitch in charge is back." Santana joked, linking her arm in mine and dragging me in the direction that Quinn blazed off in.

"Wonderful." 

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><p>"You look stunning," Quinn closed the curtain behind her as she entered the changing room. She took a seat on the bench and I finished pulling up and adjusting my dress.<p>

"You have impeccable taste Quinn."

"I don't think even I could plan for how beautiful that would look. I think Santana is going to be jealous."

"I'm sure she'll sex it up in a way that I can never begin to compete with."

"Yeah…" I could see Quinn in the reflection in the mirror, with her downcast eyes, fidgeting with her hands.

"I wish I could have seen you when you got your dress fitted. I should have been there for that. I'm sure you're going to look radiant." That got her to quirk a small smile.

"Who was that girl?" Shit.

"She's someone I knew from NYADA. Remember I told you about that girl who had a crush on me when I was a senior?"

"Yeah, I vaguely do. I thought you said she was kind of…weird."

"She was but she was young and in a new place. She's really sweet and fun and normal."

"She's beautiful."

"Uh oh, hold on," I turned so I could look Quinn in the eye, "Is _the_ Quinn Fabray intimidated by someone else's appearance?"

Finally I got an actually laugh out of her "Stop it."

"She's attractive, yes, but she's nowhere near the same caliber as you. No one is. So you don't have to put a hit out on her."

"I'll have to cancel some earlier arrangements now." We both laughed but she got stony-faced again. "Are you with her?"

"We've been seeing each other. But it's nothing serious."

"You know you deserve the best, Rachel. I never want you to settle for anything less."

I turned back to the mirror again, adjusting my dress. "I never really planned on it."

As I tried to zip up my dress so I could escape from this suffocating little dressing room, the zipper got caught and I couldn't get it all the way. Instantly, Quinn rose up from her seat and stepped up behind me. The close proximity of her body sent me into overdrive. I could feel her breathe on the back of my neck as she reached out and lay one hand on my side and the other slowly inched up the zipper. I could only watch her, enraptured as she stared intently at her hands at work. The zipper secured, both of her hands grazed back down the length of my back. So featherlike I might not have felt it if I weren't watching her so closely. Or if tremors hadn't threatened to wrack my body. A hand on either of my hips squeezed lightly and I nearly passed out at the simple sensation. "You really are stunning Rachel." She breathed into my ear. Her eyes snapped up and met mine in the mirror. "You deserve to be fallen over."

And then she was gone. As quickly as she came in. I needed to get out to meet all the others in our dresses but I needed to get my body to quit shaking.


	9. Chapter 9

**HELLO! For anyone who's been following this story, I am endlessly sorry for how long its been since I updated. I just got caught up with life and school and a bunch of bullshit. I am so so sorry and hope you can forgive me. :) Merry Christmas!**

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><p>There's a sick sort of irony in the fact that once you start to get your life together and try to reset your lovesick heart, something has to come barreling towards you and just knock you the fuck down again. I've been doing my best to not want things quite as desperately. Learn to move on. Despite how hard I try, Quinn won't let me escape her, she keeps dragging me back in. Up until the fitting I was on putting myself back together steadily but the close proximity that I had been forced back into with the blonde threatened to tear me apart again.<p>

As the wedding came closer and closer, my distance to Quinn became greater and greater. Last minute planning took most of her time so my avoidance managed to slip past her for once. However, when the rehearsal dinner came up there was little I could do to avoid her anymore.

Quinn's fiancé, David Jeffries came from a wealthy family. His father was a local newscaster and his mother dabbled in fiction writing. They were both lovely people, in not extremely vain and flawed in raising a pompous douchebag son. It was no surprise; however, that their rehearsal was at the most expensive restaurant in New York City.

It was a beautiful night, I couldn't deny that. I might have been able to appreciate it more had I not spent most of the evening staring at the bottom of wine glasses. Quinn was flitting around the room like some damn princess. God, she was beautiful. And David just had her on his arm like he deserved her, like he earned that woman. I just kept drinking and averting my eyes.

"You might want to slow down before you drown yourself there, Berry" Santana pulled the bottle that had been left on the table away from me.

"Santana stop. I'm fine," I tried to get the bottle from her but she kept it out of my reach. Puck came up behind her and took the bottle out of her hand and scowled at her.

"What the hell is wrong with you two? This is supposed to be a nice night, stop acting like children." He looked at me with a hardened gaze and grabbed my arm, leading me out of the restaurant and into the cold street. "What is going on with you Rachel?" Puck asked me, concerned.

"What are you talking about?" I'm sure I didn't sound as put together as I imagined, I can't remember how many glasses of wine I had made my victim anymore.

"Rachel, you've been drinking a lot lately. You've been flaky. Quinn is concerned."

"Oh, Quinn is concerned! Well then, let's just fucking stop what we're all doing and make sure the queen in fucking happy."

"Rachel what the fuck is wrong with you?" I had never heard Puck shout at me like that. I couldn't do anything but shrink back into the wall for support. My legs gave out and collapse to the ground.

"Puck I can't do this anymore. I can't. I…" His large hands cupped my face, wiping off the tears and warming my small face from the cold.

"Rachel. Sweetheart." His big arms swept me up off of the sidewalk and into his chest. He kept me tight against him, protected from the outside world if only for a few moment. "I'm going to take you home okay, Rachel? You shouldn't be here right now." I felt more than heard him say. He let me go and leaned down so he could look me in the eye. Pushing loose hair back from my face, he gripped my head firmly with support. "Stay put here, I'll be right back. I'm going to get our coats."

When he left all sense of warmth I had felt left me. The cold winter air seeped into my bones and all I could do was huddle down low to the ground yet again, hiding my face in my hands from the passers-by. A hand touched my back gently and I looked up, thinking Puck had returned but green eyes looked down at me with sympathy.

"Quinn what are you doing out here?" _No. No. No. No. No. No. _Immediately, I stood and rushed away from her down a side alley.

"Rachel, please talk to me." Quinn followed close behind.

"Quinn, it's nothing. Please, go back inside. Tonight's about you, I don't want to steal that away with my crazy over-emotions."

"Rachel, I don't care what day it is or what stupid event is going on. You're my best friend and I want to know you're okay."

"Quinn, I'm fine." I brushed past her to leave but she grabbed at my arm and pushed me back into the wall.

"No, Rachel, you're not and I'm not going to let you keep pushing me out. Damnit, I thought we had finally gotten past this. I thought we were getting back to where we were."

"We can't Quinn! That…that's gone now."

She just stared at me bewildered. Broken. No one had really denied her anything before. Told her that there was something she couldn't have. I wasn't being entirely fair. And I knew that. Knew that I shouldn't hold her to what I've invented in my mind. But I couldn't help it any longer.

"Why, Rachel? What have I done?" She looked at me with so much desperation, so much question.

"Nothing. Quinn. We're just growing apart. That's all. You aren't friends with people your whole life."

"This is bullshit, Rachel, and you know it." I couldn't take her challenging me, it was too much. I pushed past her again and broke past.

"Yeah, it's bullshit. And I'm going home. Enjoy your fucking dinner."

"No! No, you're not walking away this time. You always walk away."

"I'm. Going. Home. If you want to leave your rehearsal dinner be my guest."

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><p>"It's so cold this year. I don't remember it being this cold last winter." Quinn poked around in the fire that I had started in my seldom used fireplace.<p>

"I've been thinking that too." I opened another bottle of wine and placed it on the coffee table and slid down onto the floor next to her.

"Where's Christina?" Quinn asked, pouring herself another glass.

"Baltimore. She went to visit her family this week." I watched as Quinn raised the glass to her lips.

"Do you miss her?"

"At night mostly. I've gotten used to her being here."

"You've been spending the night with her? Are you getting more serious then?"

"Why does it matter?" Quinn's eyes fell back to the fire.

"I'm just trying to find out what's going on with you."

"I've just been having a tough time lately, with work and stuff."

"Lie."

"What do you want me to say, Quinn? I let you come in here I gave you that much latitude. Now you expect me to open up everything to you? I can't."

"Why? Rachel? What are you so afraid of?" Quinn's hand was on my cheek brushing away silent tears. "Rach…"

Without thinking, I pressed my lips against Quinn's. I hadn't tasted her since that night in the park. Her lips were so much warmer and softer now that I was prepared, that I could savor it. This was the last—the only chance I would have before she was forever out of my reach. I had to take it. I started to feel her kiss me back and I completely lost control.

Her fingers tangled into my hair and she pushed me to lie back on the floor. The weight of her body felt so incredible on top of mine. My hands fell down to her hips and pulled her into me. "Rachel" she moaned into my ear. Fuck.

My lips met hers again and over and over. Her hands grazed along my sides and around my breasts and I felt myself shaking. I had never felt my body so responsive to another person. Every touch was sending shockwaves to my core.

"Quinn, please." I begged, shaking.

"What's wrong, Rach?" Quinn pulled back and looked at me. Her eyes were so dark with lust.

"I want you."

Quinn kissed a trail down my jaw, down to my neck. Latching onto to my pulse point and sucking hard. I bucked into her hips and she pushed down hard back against me. Grinding into my hips. "Fuck Quinn."

Her hand snaked down pressing between us, into my panties. Her fingers brushed against my clit and I shuddered, shook under her lightest touch. "Rach. Baby," her forehead pressed against mine, "Do you want this?"

I reached my hand down to hers against my clit and pushed it down, guiding her fingers into me.

"I love you, Quinn," I whispered. She pushed into me slowly, moaning into my ear.

"Rachel…"


	10. Chapter 10

**Obviously I have been on hiatus for a long long time with this story and I do apologize. Many life changes got in the way unfortunately. I do intend to wrap this up, likely in on final chapter to give a proper close to this story and then attempt to move onto another. Thank you to everyone who has been staying with this I appreciate all of you who read this so so much!**

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><p>I had never understood the griping everyone does about waking up in someone's arms. About how it's the most amazing feeling having someone all around you, feeling sheltered from the world. I always felt suffocated, even when Christina was with me I would crawl out of bed as quickly as possible to make coffee or breakfast, anything excuse to keep away from the crippling weight of her body.<p>

But when I woke up with Quinn. Damn, I felt it. I felt her. Every part of her body was touching mine. Her long deep breaths spread across the skin of my neck. Her arms encompassed me - one stretched around my head the other across my chest, hand gripping my shoulder lightly. Her leg draped over my hips, covering my body with her own, sheltering me – us – from the world.

Lying there under her I kept thinking of last night. So many silent confessions had been made last night. Every touch, every kiss, every moan – small confessions of pent, secret desire. Still, just because we had a night together doesn't mean everything nicely tied up. Our relationship obviously was more confused than ever and I wanted to soak up every last moment I could of Quinn before reality came collapsing down around the shelter her body made around me. I don't know how long I caressed her back with only the lightest of touches so to fend off her waking but it must have slowly lulled her awake despite my efforts. I could feel a smile spread across her lips as they stretched across my neck and a deep sigh escaped her as she stretched her body across mine. She seemed to freeze for a moment and the warmth of her body disappeared as she pulled away to look at me. All traces of the smile I thought had formed were gone. Instead, she looked at me with the strangest mixture of realization and fear, her eyes searching my face for…something. Neither of us spoke. I was afraid to — as if my voice would crack this fragile moment into a million pieces. Unknowingly, I did that anyway when I reached up to run my hand through her hair to comfort her and she recoiled instantly. Her body pulled away from mine completely and she was suddenly standing before me, the blanket from my couch wrapped around her naked form.

"Rachel, I'm sorry," she said, not looking at me.

"Sorry for what?" I asked.

"I…last night. I don't know what came over me."

"Please don't apologize like you did something wrong,"

"Didn't I?"

"That's up to you isn't it?" Finally she was looking at me again, sitting naked on the floor of my apartment, completely vulnerable to her like I always am and she couldn't say anything, she just stared at me like some wounded puppy. "You don't owe me anything just because we fucked last night Quinn." I got up and stormed off into my bedroom and I could hear her footsteps padding after me. I threw on some shorts and a tank top to cover my exposed body before she came into the room after me, still wearing nothing but the blanket.

"Rachel please, we can talk about this," she pleaded. I turned to her and crossed my arms across my chest.

"There's nothing to talk about, Quinn. We had a night together; it doesn't have to mean something." Now it was me who couldn't look at her.

"You does it mean something."

"What then? What does it mean? Jesus, Quinn. You know that I love you. Please don't do this to me." Warm hands gripped my face and pulled my gaze to meet Quinn's. Her thumbs wiped away tears I didn't know I had let fall.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry," Quinn whispered. Tears began to fall from her eyes and my heart shattered. "Rachel, I don't know what to do. I'm getting married, Jesus. I can't just forget about David."

"Then what was last night Quinn? Were you just drunk and didn't know what you were doing?" I meant it to be more forceful than it was, I could barely speak without bursting into full sobs. As much as it would hurt to hear it if it had just been a drunken moment of confusion I could maybe live with that. Maybe. I just need to know exactly what I was to her. I had confessed my love for her in so many ways. Why couldn't she just do me to courtesy of doing a fragment of the same for me?

"Yes I was intoxicated. We both were. But do you really think I'm that person?" Quinn was still holding me. She had abandoned wiping at my tears. Neither of our tears were going to stop anytime soon. Instead she held my face steady in her hands so I could not avert my gaze from hers. She forced me to look into her eyes as she poured herself out to me.

"Quinn I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what you want from me, or what I am to you." I was crying harder now. I couldn't control myself. Everything was just too much.

"Rachel, you're everything to me, but how do I just walk away from this whole other life?"

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I—"

"No Quinn. Do you _love_ me?" She searched my eyes as if they somehow held the answer – as if I could conjure up some direction for her to take when I couldn't do so for myself. I wanted to die. I felt a force overcome my entire body that I had never felt before. I was going to collapse under the weight of it. As gently as I could I pushed her body away from mine and stepped back, creating as much distance as possible. "There's your answer Quinn. Go get ready for your wedding."

"Rachel, please, I—" She reached out for me again and I shrank away.

"Go, Quinn."

Without another word she turned and left her room. I could hear rustling in the living room, presumably her searching for her clothing. When I heard the front door close, I felt everything inside of me collapse. I fell against the wall and slid down to the floor. How could I be so stupid? Quinn couldn't ever love me. I was her best friend. That would have to be enough for me somehow or I would lose her. Hell, I would probably lose her anyway. God damn hypnotizing, manipulative, sexy, beautiful, gentle, perfect, Quinn fucking Fabray.

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><p>One of the worst feelings in the world is that ache that takes over your entire body when you've been crying. First, your eyes are just sore, obviously. But if it's a real cry – a real gut wrenching, soul expelling cry, your whole body begins to ache from the sheer pain. I didn't know what to do with myself BUT to stay in bed. I could scarcely force myself to even roll from side to side most days much less do the impossible task of actually getting up. I didn't answer my phone either. I had several voicemails from Puck. I saw that Santana had sent me a text at some point as well as Christina. I didn't know what I could even say to anyone. 'Sorry I'm not feeling too up to talking right now. I fucked my best friend in a moment of weakness and now I just sort of want to die'?<p>

Despite my best efforts to avoid everyone, Christina found her way outside my door with vegan Chinese take-out after she hadn't heard from me for awhile and I couldn't turn her away.

We sat at the kitchen table both sort of pushing our food around our plates. I'm sure she could tell that I had been crying and that I looked terrible. I could see the sympathy in her eyes but she had yet to ask me what was wrong. She had tried to make small talk about work, some projects she had been working on but conversation died out at my lack of response. So we just sat in silence.

"Is there anything I can do?" She shattered the silence. I just shrugged and shook my head.

"Do you want to talk about it? You're starting to scare me, Rach."

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"Just try. Maybe it will help you never know. Just tell me what happened at least. Please?" She reached her hand across the table and grabbed mine.

"It's Quinn. We…we slept together." Christina's eyes widened in surprise. I expected her to be hurt, mad at least but she showed nothing but concern for me as her hand gripped mine tighter.

"And here I thought that would be a thing you would be happy about," she tried to joke. I laughed a little but my mood quickly fell again.

"You would think. But she's still getting married so that tells you about how well it went over."

"You're kidding right?"

"I wish Chris." I drew my hand out of her grip and sat my head in my hands.

"Rachel, you can't let her get away with running away from you."

"What do you mean?" I looked up at her confused.

"She clearly loves you Rachel. And not as your best friend you can gab with all day. She _loves _you, even if she's afraid to admit it to herself."

"How do know?"

"It's the way she looks at you Rachel. You can't tell because you're too busy looking at her but I've seen it. She looks at you with this possession. She loves you."

"It doesn't matter. She's too scared to be with me, or doesn't want to, I don't know. But she made her choice last night."

"Please. If you're that willing to just give up you don't deserve what you two could have."

"Why are you pushing this so much? I thought you would want me to stay away from her."

"It was just a matter of time Rach. I had the pleasure of having an amazing time with you but I knew I was nothing more than a distraction. I knew you would find your way to each other eventually. Now you just need to man up and not let her go."

"How?"

"We're going to a wedding to steal a bride. That's how."


End file.
